Begin Again
by geekcosima
Summary: Hanna didn't always have these problems, most of them popped up with Alison's mental abuse. Now she was back, they were all popping up again. One by one, until she's slowly self destructing. T/W: Self Harm, alcohol abuse (only mentioned, not explored too much), and bulimia.


**A/N: This isn't suppose to be a song fic, but I guess it could be counted as one.. I dunno. I just had feels about these songs, and feels about s5 Hanna. Songs used: I can't fix you - Sasha Pieterse, Nervous girls - Lucy Hale, Begin Again - Rachel Platten, and briefly Misery Business - Paramore. **

* * *

Alison had been back in Rosewood for a week now, and slowly, ever so slowly, Hanna was losing who she was and how far she had come from being Hefty Hanna. It's not that Alison being back was a bad thing, it was just the snide remarks that she shot Hanna every now and then, which opened old wounds that she had finally gotten over and healed.

_"It used to be easier to tell us apart, wasn't it?" Alison quipped before walking to exit the building, leaving behind a deep in thought Hanna. She wasn't going to lie, that physically hurt. She can't keep lying to herself anymore, now Alison was back she had no idea who she was and where she was going in life. It's like everything has suddenly stopped moving, things are crumbling and she's left to pick up the pieces, if she can even manage to do that._

_"Hanna," The blonde snapped from her thoughts, she looked back to see that Mr. Donahue was long gone. Alison greeted her with a confused and impatient expression on her face, "Let's go, you're my ride remember?"_

Hanna's destructive behaviour hadn't always been there, it was only when Alison had suggested that she vomit her meals up that it had started the slippery slope for the blonde. She used to purge every day when Alison was leading their group, after she 'died' and Hanna got the makeover from Mona, the vomiting only happened when she had eaten way too much for the day or when she had conflicting emotions about her weight.

The self-harm hadn't been there from the start either, it had been an accident that started it off. Washing the dishes while angry about Caleb leaving, the knife had sliced her hand open. The pain had felt welcoming, so was the sting that came when she cleaned it. After that it was almost a nightly ritual.

Now Alison was back, the two habits had resumed. Only now Hanna had picked up a third one, alcohol. She'd never been one to over drink, but the way it numbed the millions of thoughts running through her head was wonderfully relaxing. The only problem was the hangovers, she'd gotten better at coping with them, and sometimes her friends wouldn't even notice that she was hung-over.

Caleb was probably the only one that didn't ask questions. He didn't ask why she had been wearing black so often, or why she was wearing long sleeves. He didn't ask why he was delivering drinks to her at midnight. She was thankful for that, it was nice to have someone that didn't shoot her accusing glares.

* * *

The girls had all been invited over to Emily's house for dinner that night, to say it was a surprise was an understatement. Although there was apparently no backing out, and their story about the kidnapping was coming undone at the seams. Alison suggested that they all head over to Hanna's place—where she had been sleeping for the last couple of nights while her dad was on some business—after school to run through things, in case Emily's mum asked them questions that night.

"Can we possibly do it somewhere else?" Hanna asked while pushing her salad around absentmindedly, she didn't even know why she had picked up the food, it's not like she was going to eat anyway.

"No we can't, everyone else's parents are going to be home. You are just going to have to deal with it," Alison rolled her eyes at the low demeanour of Hanna, but then resumed the conversation with the group.

"What about your house?" The blonde butted in, completely ignoring the fact that she had just interrupted Spencer.

"I'm not going back there," Alison visibly tensed at the suggestion, Hanna noticed Emily was quick to lay a reassuring hand on the girls arm. _What the hell is going on with those two?_

After a couple more eye rolls, they all returned to the conversation. Hanna's plan to get them to have this meeting at anyone else's house but hers had failed, and now she was going to have to skip last period to go home and discard of the empty bottles that are scattered around her bedroom.

"I have to go home," She awkwardly grabbed her bag from the back of the chair, swinging it around herself.

"Whoa, wait, we have English together. You can't leave me alone in Ezra's class."

"And you're my ride, again."

Hanna shifted on her feet, she really needed to go make sure nothing could be found this afternoon. "Look, I'm sorry Aria, you are just going to have to deal with that," Aria physically slumped at that, "and Alison, why don't you get a ride from Emily or something. I have to go."

With that she left. She didn't see the accusatory looks from the girls, or hear the "what the hell is going on with her," that the girls said.

* * *

_I'm in the business of misery  
Let's take it from the top  
She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock_

Hanna scoffed, some songs just hit too close to what she's dealing with. The blonde quickly changed the song, as she slammed another empty vodka bottle into the trash bag.

_I need a wrecking ball  
I want the sky to fall  
God I feel so small tonight_

Apparently shuffle hates her, Hanna didn't have enough time to stuff around changing songs though, so she left it on and ventured off to the adjoining bathroom.

_I need a wrecking ball  
I could crash and fall  
Could it break my walls  
And make it right _

_Can I begin again  
Can I begin again?_

The sight that greeted her when she came to the door didn't even shock her, and Hanna only just realized how lucky she was that her mother had been out on business for a couple of days.

Hanna hadn't exactly been careful when she had relapsed the other night. There was blood all over the shower, the bath and red droplets scattered on the porcelain sink. It hit her that, she'd done some real damage to herself the other night after her and Ali had come back from the funeral home.

The relief had been well worth it though, the words that Alison spoke that night had been running through her mind for the entire ride home. She was lucky that they didn't share a bathroom, Hanna didn't think that she could of just ignored the itch to cut and just fall asleep.

_I need a tidal wave  
Come and wash away  
All the mess I made  
To make it right  
I need to make it right_

Blunt razors. They were stashed behind all the medicine in the cabinet, they were old and had needed to be thrown out, she just hadn't gotten around to it. She also grabbed some of the small bottles of alcohol she kept there and moved them to her mother's room. She'd get them back tomorrow morning before Ali wakes up.

_I need a big move  
I need a sharp knife  
I need to cut these scars  
Right out of my life_

Sharp razors had been left on top of cabinets and the shower glass, Hanna moved these to a small empty ring box which she stashed behind a big chunky old book in her bookshelf. The blonde then moved onto cleaning the toilet and shower drain, not that they needed it, but she needed to be sure she got rid of all the evidence of blood and/or vomit.

_I need a big move  
__I need a sharp knife  
__Need to be shaken up tonight  
__I need a wrecking ball_

* * *

The meeting at Hanna's house had gone fine, except for a couple of pointed looks and glances from the girls. At one point the blonde had excused herself to the bathroom and looked frantically around for something sharp, anything at all to stop the mental abuse that was running through her mind.

_"Honey, you sure you want to eat that?"_

The girls hadn't even said anything. Of course she didn't want to eat the sandwich, but she did for appearances. Hanna hadn't touched her lunch, so it would be weird if she didn't have a sandwich when Spencer had offered.

_I'm the girl you think that's got it figure out  
But I walk around, with a head full of doubt  
The cruellest words about me, come from my own mouth  
La da de, la de da_

Giving up her search Hanna walked over to the toilet and pushed the seat up, she stuck two fingers down her throat, willing herself to throw up. She hadn't even noticed the tears that were running down her face. After successfully getting rid of the food she didn't even want, she washed off her face and rinsed out her mouth.

_Yeah, I'm that girl, who wants what I ain't got  
Who looks in the mirror, and sees all that I'm not  
Wish I could jump off this reckless train of thought  
La da de, la de da_

Hanna undressed herself and stared at her body in the mirror for a long while, she hadn't noticed how pale she had gotten over the last couple of days, or how frail her body had started to look. At least it was working. The angry red cuts that lined her arms and thighs had started to sting from the fresh air raking over the top of them, some were still seeping small amounts of blood. Some needed to have the dressing changed, and most of them were ugly and pulsing constantly.

"Hanna, what are you doing in there?" The doorknob rattled, the blonde quickly pulled her pants up, put away the pills she had knocked over in her haste to find a razor, and quickly put down the toilet seat.

"Nothing, I just had to… powder my nose." She was just about to put on her shirt when she heard Emily's response.

"Well, hurry up, you need to listen to this too." She heard Emily's footsteps retreating away, and let out the breath she didn't know that she was holding. That was too close.

_For Collie and her golden, home-coming crown  
For Penny's dirty secret getting spread all over town  
For Hanna and her skinny jeans, so damn scared to eat_

Hanna stayed still for a couple more seconds, clad only in her bra and black jeans. She took in her visible collarbones, the way her ribs protruded when she breathed in. She took in every flaw, chin, arms and hips. She noticed every fading scar that was adorned on her arms.

She took in her eyes. Devoid of emotion, of happiness. She took in the way her smile didn't quite reach all the way, she noticed how she had a mask that had taken permanent place on her face. It wasn't one she put there purposely, it had been placed there after having to lie too many times to her friends, to her mother.

_Well the DJ haunts the halls  
And then boys they never call  
And I guess we're all the same after all  
Nervous girls_

* * *

Hanna was the last one to rock up to Emily's house, she hadn't needed to drive Ali over as she went home with the brunette after their meeting. The only reason the blonde was late was because she had spent 20 minutes in the shower washing the blood from new wounds, to say she was apprehensive about the dinner was an understatement. In all honesty she didn't want to be here.

"Hanna, there you are," Spencer came out from the house to greet her, sucking down the rest of her drink before taking the blonde into a hug. "Oh, gee, you're pretty light these days."

Good, that's what she was aiming for.

Hanna dismissed the compliment, and opted to ask what was for dinner. Spencer let out a hearty laugh and a quick quip about Hanna always being hungry, before telling her that she should come inside and see the feast for herself.

As they walked up the front porch, Hanna's eyes landed on the drinks cart that was just outside the door. She didn't know Pam would let the girls drink that night, or at all, even though they were all of age. Hanna separated herself from Spencer and darted for said cart, she grabbed herself a beer and took a long gulp of the wonderful alcohol. She accidently bumped into Spencer by the doorway, she had been patiently waiting for her.

"Starting a bit early there Han?"

"Not really," Spencer got the hint and dropped the issue, they ventured further into the house and she got greeted with a rib crushing hug from Aria, followed by a simple soft hug from Emily and Alison. She still wasn't convinced that nothing was going on between them, but right now she didn't feel like calling them out and looking like the bad guy at the end of the fight that would go down.

Conversation went by smoothly between the 5 girls, they mostly stuck to topics that Emily's mum wouldn't raise questions on, which meant that Hanna was ignoring it. She didn't want to talk about school when she had just spent 6 hours at that place. By the time dinner finished and was on the table, Hanna had finished 5 beers and was starting to feel the effects of the liquid.

Dinner would have been wonderful, if Hanna wasn't thinking about how many calories she was consuming. Every single bite she took, was met with a mental insult in the voice of Alison.

"Hanna?" She lifted her head, had they been talking to her? She hadn't even been taking in the conversation that was happening.

"Uh, sorry. What?"

"I asked you how your mother was," Pam smiled at the girl, then plopped another mouthful of food into her mouth. _Just make it look so easy, why don't you._

"Good, she's currently away for work purposes, but I think she's coming back the day after tomorrow." Hanna smiled at Pam, a little too forced, but she was glad no one picked up on it. The conversation moved away from her, which meant so did the attention. Hanna physically slumped, she didn't want to be here anymore. She sure as hell didn't want to eat anymore of this, or even keep it in.

Hanna quickly excused herself and rushed up to the bathroom, a few worried expressions got passed around the dinner table by the girls, but they kept eating and kept the conversation running, acting as normal as they could.

* * *

The blonde paced the bathroom, this was taking everything to the next level. Hanna had never thrown up at her friends places, nor had she ever wanted to, but right now with her urges soaring off the charts she didn't think she had a choice.

Hanna raised the seat of the toilet, leant over, and stuck her fingers down her throat. Relief washed over her when the contents of her stomach poured out of her and into the toilet bowl, as she went to get up a wave of nausea washed over her and she gripped the sides of the toilet again. She heaved, only this time she felt someone running their hands through her hair and holding it away from her face.

"Hey, you okay?" Emily's voice broke through her ears. Of course it was her.

"I'm fine," Hanna shrugged off the hand that was on her back, steadying her from falling over. She gripped the basin and started to wash her face.

"No, you're not. You haven't been ever since Alison came back," Emily grabbed the girl's shoulders and turned her around. "God, you feel like a skeleton."

"Em, please, just leave."

"No, this is my house remember?" Hanna tried to push away from her, but Emily had a forceful hold on her. "I can see you slowly destructing, don't you remember that I had a problem with drinking after Maya?"

"This isn't like that, you don't know anything," The blonde pushed harder this time and finally detached herself from Emily. Hanna moved over to the edge of the bath and sat down, hugging herself.

"Well why don't you tell me?"

"The truth?"

"Yes."

Hanna was sure Emily wouldn't want to hear this, she knew something was going on between her and Ali, and now she's going to come along and say that her destructive behaviour is all because of Ali. The blonde started to explain how she has been conflicted ever since Alison had come back, and that she had turned to booze to numb the dangerous thoughts in her head. She talked about how Ali had started to make backhanded comments about her weight, she opened up about how she was refusing to eat, how she would vomit her food on most days. By the time she was done tears were streaming down her face, her eyes were puffy and red. Emily looked exactly the same, she had taken Hanna's arm in hers somewhere between everything and didn't let go.

"Look, it doesn't matter, I'll sort myself out." She moved to get up but Emily clamped harder around her wrist, the blonde winced at the pressure to her already sore and pulsing cuts.

_Feel paralysed  
Like I'm frozen in time  
Just wanna close my eyes  
Make it go away_

"Hanna…" Emily tried to pull her sleeve up, but Hanna wasn't having any of that and tried to get her arm away. The two had a brief struggled over the rights to the blonde's forearm. "Oh my god!" Emily saw the red angry lines, when Hanna's sleeve had ridden upwards during their struggle.

"It's not what it looks like!"

"Really because it looks like you are hurting yourself, on purpose." Hanna winced, yes, that was exactly what it looks like. She didn't have a witty answer, she didn't have an excuse to get herself out of this. She didn't have anything left, after their session in the bathroom, Emily would tell the other girls and nothing would be the same again.

_When did everything fall apart  
When did the nightmares start  
Why is it so hard  
To find a way to begin again  
Oh to begin again_

"Yes."

"Yes what, Han?"

"Yes, it is exactly what it looks like." Emily sighed, and immediately curled the blonde into her. She rubbed her arms and whispered that everything would be alright. Hanna didn't know if she believed her or not, but right now she didn't have much to lose.

* * *

The next night the girls all met at Hanna's house, Emily had ushered them all over, telling them that there was something important that needed to be discussed. Hanna refused to talk, she curled into Emily's safe and protecting side, the brunette wrapped a hand around her before asking if she wants her to tell everyone.

Hanna nodded, she wouldn't get through it without crying, and she refused to cry. They would already think she was broken, no need to let them see just how broken and weak she was.

_I can't fix you  
You've gotta face these demons on your own  
And I can't save you  
But I promise you'll never be alone  
Take my hand and take a deep breath  
You don't have a lot of chances left_

The blonde could already feel the concerned gazes, she knew that they would never look at her the same, but that was the price of getting herself out of this destructive hole that she had dug herself. Absentmindedly Hanna started to rub at her sleeves, the cuts starting to itch from the woolly jumper she had on.

"Hanna, can w- we see?" Ali's broken voice spoke up from the edge of her bed, this startled Hanna, but that was quickly replaced with the thought that she just probably wanted to see the end results of her constant tormenting. Maybe she'd even take a picture.

"Why, so you can be happy with how you destroyed me?" She unwrapped herself from Emily's arms and retreated to the bathroom, quickly locking the door before the girls could stop her. The tears forcefully fell from her eyes, why did she let herself get talked into opening up about her problems? She didn't want this.

"Han, come on, open the door."

"Please don't do anything rash."

No, she wasn't going to open the door. She wasn't going to show them anything. She just wanted to sleep, to fade away from her problems for a couple of hours. God, she'd kill for a couple of drinks right about now.

_When the road is long and it's dark as the night  
If you get too scared just hold me tight  
You're the only one who can make things right  
And I can't fix you  
I can't fix you_

"Hanna, listen to me, that isn't what I want to do." Alison's voice piped up. Okay, so maybe she didn't want to revel in how she destroyed the blonde, but Hanna was sure that there was some motive behind her. But what the hell, she hadn't gotten anything to lose, everything was on the table, might as well add this last bit.

She stripped herself of her jeans, wincing at the discomfort of the still open cuts. Hanna tore off her top, relishing in her protruding ribs. This is what she was, this is how she looked underneath all the layers she stacked on herself. Hanna pulled the door open, making the girls all jump back at the sudden disappearance of the thing they had been leaning on.

"This is what you did to me."

_I still love you  
You're everything to me I hope you know  
That I still need you  
To get yourself out of this hole  
Promise me you're better than this  
Promise me you won't give in_

Clad in only her bra and underwear, Hanna had never felt more insecure than now. She saw the look of utter hopelessness that was strewn over Aria's and Spencer's face, Emily was holding herself together a bit better, seeming as she had already seen most of the war wounds. Alison is who shocked Hanna, she stood there hands clasped over her mouth in shock. Didn't she know that this was all because of her backhanded comments?

"I'm- I'm so sorry, Hanna, I didn-" She broke down in tears. Hanna moved over to the blonde and wrapped her frail arms around her, maybe the hate could stop between the two. Maybe this would open both of their eyes, they are both fragile in more ways than one.

"It's okay, I forgive you," Hanna didn't know if that was true, she still held a lot of hate for the girl, but she knew that this destructive behaviour she had going on needed to stop. She needed to stop punishing herself, and now Ali finally knows what her words have done to her.

"If I had known-"

"But you didn't, so it's okay."

_When the road is long and it's dark as the night  
If you get too scared just hold me tight  
You're the only one who can make things right  
I can't fix you_


End file.
